Feeling Low Today

I am starting to feel very sad for my family. Despite all the good news, they are very stressed and scared about me. David has been very sad and when I try to get him to talk about it, he doesn't know what to say. So I ask him if he's scared about me and he shrugs and says he guesses so. Then he starts tearing up. It breaks my heart. And Carol, who has been away at grad school during all of this, told me today she is very stressed - knowing I've been sick in addition to her boyfriend's grandpa dying in the past month, and my Aunt Sylvia, in the dying process from 10 years of Alzheimer's. Rachel seems to be doing fine. I'm grateful.

I really hate having this disease. I hate having to get treatment. I hate having to do prophylactic surgery. I fear I'll have the BRCA gene mutation. This really sucks and it won't go away, ever. Sure, I'm sure there will be a time when I don't think about cancer 20 hours a day, but it will always be there at the back of my mind. Any long-standing aches and pains will create fear of its return. It's my new pet (monkey on my back), but this one will last a lifetime and my stress will continue to feed and nurture it.

Gee, and tomorrow I can look forward to meeting with the radiologist about the next phase of treatment. Oh boy! Oh boy!