Dare I Say I'm More Back to Myself Again?

These past couple of days have brought new clarity. I seem to be thinking less about the cancer and the treatment, and can focus a bit better. Not sure why unless it's that the treatment is on the way out rather than the way in, and there's hope that my life can move from "hold" status to "moving on" and getting on with life.

I cannot tell you what a great feeling it is to "feel" again. I'm happier and more content and laughing more and just feeling better about everything around me again. Sure, my breast is still pink and the treatments are a daily annoyance, but it'll be over in a few weeks and then it's just a matter of taking a pill everyday for five years. Certainly a MUCH more normal way to live.

And if God is good and my luck is positive, this will all be a major memory to look back on when I'm old and MORE gray than I am now. Happy Thanksgiving!

15 Down - 18 to Go!

Things continue to move along. Last Saturday, we celebrated a beautiful event with a very special friend, her family, and community, and it was life affirming. Not only did I see people I haven't seen in years, but the sense of love and family was awesome. It was a wonderful evening!

Today was the first day of radiation where someone was there for an emergency treatment. Turned out this young woman was experiencing bone metastises from breast cancer and in severe pain. The whole thing was depressing. A group of us sitting in a room and not being able to avoid hearing her tell her companion about her experience. It shakes you to the core, but makes you feel so lucky it's not you. However, it does remind you of your mortality for sure.

8 Down - 25 to Go!

Finished my 8th treatment today. The skin is looking very good, although its quite pink. The ALRA cream is keeping it from breaking down, which is very important. The big change this week is that the radiated breast has shrunk considerably. Probably something I'd notice more than a mere stranger seeing me fully dressed, but I do realize it, and it is kind of sad.

Over the weekend, I started feeling a little more tired than usual. Just not sleeping that great at night, but not being able to catch up during the day. When I left work today, after a difficult workload, to get treatment, I was just exhausted, but there were still things to do. So I'm going to make it my business to get to bed as early as I can and just relax a bit.

I can't stop focusing on the fact that I had cancer! I can't seem to get it out of my mind lately. I am really angry again. While I know all the good things about the type I had, it's just that I had it and it can always creep back. Yeah yeah...I know that I'll be vigilent and do all the things I need to in order to catch anything as early as possible, but I'm not so naive to think that I'll never be at risk again.

Ignore my blabbing...it's pity party day.

Nothing is as They Tell You

I believe that nothing is really as they tell you. It's really more of an average. For example, I didn't expect SEVEN tattoos. I get into my first day of daily treatment, and it turns out the one of the main tattoos on my bad breast is 3" off. EXCUSE ME? That's not a small difference. Anyway, I now have tattoo number 8. So I told my hubby that I had a special surprise for him last night when he came home from a business trip. I gave him a pen and told him to connect the dots. Not funny...but you gotta laugh it off, right?

Going back a little, after radiation day one, I go home and notice they put some tape over two of the tattoos at the base of the bad breast. I pulled it off because after the simulator, they left on some things they told me to take off at home. Well, I got issued a new "youknowwhat" on that one. Per the rad tech, "Didn't I tell you yesterday NOT to take those off? Now we have to do it again. Hrummph."

Everything up to the radiation therapy had been going very well. But I must say, I haven't been impressed with this part. I told the tech that my skin was already pink, and she says "Impossible, no one gets pink this early." So I start justifying myself, which is ridiculous, and say "I've got extremely fair skin and always burn quickly so never say never." She then gets a bit of an attitude and I tell her, "Listen, this may be old hat for you doing this everyday, but for me this is new. I may not remember everything you tell me, and not everyone fits the mold of what you think it should be like for them." She later apologized for being a jerk (jerk=terse in her dictionary).

I hope this radiation experience gets better...cause it sure isn't what I thought it would be, and I'm normally pretty easy going and witty. I see the radiologist on Monday and he and I are going to have a little discussion about all of this.